


MMIRL: Boss Edition

by NarglesOnHerTongue



Series: Unedited MMIRL [1]
Category: Cardcaptor Sakura, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Katekyou Hitman Reborn!, Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Ranma 1/2, Sherlock (TV), W. I. T. C. H., Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Game Master Earth, Gamer Everybody, Gamer Sawada Tsunayoshi, Master of Death Harry Potter, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2019-01-23 04:26:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 17,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12498724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarglesOnHerTongue/pseuds/NarglesOnHerTongue
Summary: Tsuna's been a gamer for a while but without monsters he's stagnated, slowly upgrading his sneak and speech skills as he wonders if he's doomed to the worst SIMS ever.Then he finds a website that tells him he's not alone.And that he's going to need that sneak skill.





	1. The Best Thing Since Whoop-Dee-Fucking-Doo-Da

**Author's Note:**

> I rewrote this and it's sequel. If you prefer this original, unedited pieces that's fine but for the version where everything fits together properly and it has a sequel reaching into the Future Arc: 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/14095236/chapters/32476482

**In Media Res**

Tsuna’s eyes flicked down to look at the new message: SNEAK lvl 45. He signaled to Yugi to drop off the roof behind the departing Estraneo. They landed silently and waited, SNEAK progress bars inching up before fading away.

“Map?” Tsuna murmured.

Yugi blinked, “Clear of enemies, building too, fast-travel capable. One of these days you’re going to have to find different activations for your menu.”

“Would love to but that’ll take longer than just chasing the silent-casting perk.” Tsuna tapped his ear-cuff, “Sound off. Who’s in position?”

“Captor here. Almost got outed by a badly timed fly card. Guardian had to shoot a barrel to distract them but I’m fine.” Sakura gasped out as she and John dropped off the roof.

“Guardian here. Shot an alley rat actually. On the plus side I temporarily resurrected the rat to listen in on their conversation and the only people in the building are the sadistic bastard scientists so if someone dies then the guilt will be easier to deal with. Also I now have the power to puppet dead bodies apparently.” John finished with the most sarcastic tone they'd ever heard out of him.

“Master here. Also clear. Guardian can let me know after this little incursion if he wants to check his new powers for necromancy and moral ambiguity.” Harry pulled one of his hair sticks [wand] and waved them over the wall.

“Keeper here with Master. The doorknob says the only untrapped door is the disguised one over the dumpster.” Teddy released the door and followed Harry.

Yugi snorted and tapped his own cuff, “King here with Boss who called the sound-off, heading around back mildly freaked out by being friends with someone who talks to doorknobs.”

Tsuna rounded the corner with Yugi, “Radio silence after we get inside if possible.”

The door was exactly where Teddy said it was. Guardian peeled it open and held it as they all crawled inside. They held their breath so they wouldn’t smell the blood mixed with old food until Harry conjured them all breathing bubbles and Teddy levitated them into an adjacent air-vent. They dispelled the bubbles and crawled carefully out onto ceiling rafters until Tsuna signaled to split off in pairs again.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

John watched as his sneak skill bar appeared when he and Sakura passed a certain hallway. They turned and stole down that hall on the rafters until they were over a scientist who was taunting captive children in cells to either side of the hall.

John held his breath as his Sneak was suddenly Perceived and found one of the children, a particularly animalistic…boy? ... staring up at him. Thankfully his existing skill was enough to fool the scientist still though that was because the man was facing the other way.

He wouldn’t be for long though and he’d want to know what the kid was staring at. He lifted a flechette over the scientist and in a moment of perfect timing, dropped it as the man bent his head forward. He dropped like a rock when it severed his spine.

The kids didn’t scream. That was the worst bit. He was heartily grateful that they probably didn’t know English as he unlocked each of their cages. “Open Sesame,” isn’t confidence inspiring even when it’s a genuine spell.

“How quietly can you move?” He muttered in Italian for the benefit of his now-free audience.

“Very.” Said the animalistic…yes it was in fact a boy. They all willingly crawled up and along the rafters with John and Sakura.

Getting back was significantly easier than getting there. Sakura convinced Windy and Dark to help sneak the kids out. John had drawn a door and was prepared to cast when there was an explosion and alarm from inside. He locked eyes with Sakura and she grabbed a kid’s hand.

“ ~~Aut inveniam viam aut faciam.~~ ” He murmured, grabbed the handle that popped into existence, and pulled. Sakura and the kids closed their eyes and ran through. He held it another minute, deliberately calming his breath as he added, ~~“زما وروسته نژدې.”~~ The door closed behind them and disappeared.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Harry and Teddy casually strode along the rafters, their mere presence causing myriad issues for the increasingly annoyed scientists.

“What killed the F^*&ing WiFi?” “Lights are malfunctioning in hall 7C,” “This computer isn’t even supposed to have a blue-screen function!” “You messing with my computer A$$hat!?”

After Harry’s ‘haunting’ effect caused the third computer shutdown the scientists had started to actually fight each other about the electronic problems. Teddy grinned as she bugged the room with actual cockroaches.

Harry rolled his eyes at Teddy’s antics and swung under the doorframe into the next hall. He caught the next rafter with his legs and swung up but froze when he felt the echo of Tsuna’s particular brand of ‘I am furniture’ disguise behind a solid wall of death energies. He tapped out the location of the source and the other three caught up and converged on the hall.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

They saw each other at opposite ends of the hall and Tsuna signaled that he and Yugi had rigged the building’s gas lines. He gently shielded the others in the rafters as he walked down the hall. Harry stepped down with him so Yugi and Teddy dove into a shadow to better view the area.

The door here wasn’t prison barred. It was a two-way mirror setup and the worst of the scientists was right there. He’d notice if they got away with the captive.

Tsuna continued his impression of the surrounding area as they snuck up behind the scientist. It wasn’t quite enough.

“You honestly think I don’t know what Sky-flames feel like?” The man whipped around with a gun in each hand. Tsuna barely dodged in time. Harry didn’t. The gunshots hit him in the forehead and heart and he dropped to the floor. Tsuna froze, suddenly going so cold both remaining fighters’ breath was misting.

Ice started to creep around the room starting from Tsuna’s feet. The scientist whipped his weapons around at him but didn’t aim the barrels at Tsuna. They needed a sky for some experiments and he would be perfect. It was the only reason Tsuna was even able to come with his combat scores as low as they were.

Tsuna barely scraped under the pistol-whip but slipped on his own ice and fell. His elbows landed just wrong enough to jolt both arms. His breath was coming too fast. This guy was a scientist, gun or not he shouldn’t have been able to hit Harry.

He managed a terrible, clumsy summersault around the scientist’s feet as the man also slipped on the ice. One of the guns went off again when the scientist hit the ground and the bullet ricocheted, shattering the two-way mirror.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Mukuro’s head shot up as he watched his tormenter on the ground fighting a kid his age. The man had gotten up to his knees but the boy’s arms were spasming, not letting him rise to follow. There was an unbreathing body on the ground and ice everywhere.

Something cool had moved behind him and it seemed like the shadows had gotten longer. Mukuro felt the flame-limiters snap off and deactivate. That Bastard was still distracted fighting like an untrained infant against an almost-as-incompetent actual child. Mukuro gripped at his flames as the shadowed cold whispered ideas into his ear. There was ice everywhere, the usual flowers and vines would be difficult. Not impossible though, with enough focus.

The flower-vines stuck the scientist’s foot to the floor so he couldn’t catch the kid. It was followed by an autonomous shadow and two-tone ice tendrils freezing the man still.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tsuna finally got his foot on a rougher patch of ice and sprang up and through the window into the other room. He kicked enough ice crystals of his own up in the process that the scientist froze solid in the magic arms of the angered kids also in the room.

Yugi and Teddy stepped out of the shadows and Teddy conjured a hammer mid-swing, perhaps weak in other areas but shattering a flame-icicle was simple. Not even blood oozed out.

Tsuna shook out his arms and carefully returned to the room from before, tears freezing on his face. Harry was the oldest of them. Team mom and a survivor, was he really dead?

Yugi crawled after Tsuna, “Head and heart shots like that from an untrained scientist are pure luck. Was it a cutscene?”

Teddy followed, face red, croaky. “He’s had them before, he said the worst one was when he had to act all understanding with Dumbledore after he pulled the suicide run to get rid of the horcrux and wound up in purgatory. The imperious he can handle, nobody can handle cutscenes. He…he’d hate this, hate being damseled like this.”

“Let’s go, we need to get home, get him home.” Yugi swallowed.

“Who are you?” The last captive questioned.

They all exchanged a glance. “Your ticket out.” They chorused tiredly.

“Not that it matters in another couple seconds if we don’t move.” Teddy hissed. “h…MOD” killed the computers and cameras but we only have a couple seconds till someone comes to check.”

“Done.” Yugi sighed. They disappeared in a blast of freezing shadows, blowing the door back into the face of the scientist about to open it. When he woke up, two scientists were dead and another six were crying into their non-functional keyboards. Nobody living had seen the intruders. No cameras had caught them.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

**Six Months Earlier**

Tsuna crawled around the dust bins watching his sneak skill go from twenty to twenty-one as his usual bullies got bored and went home. He snuck home out of lack of other things to do. Watched as the little bar noting his progress inched upwards so terribly slowly.

"One hour for Level One, Two Hours for Two..." He sang to himself when he ran out of people to sneak by and the bar disappeared. He skipped as he sang. What would it be today? Agility or Constitution? Skipping or falling?

Both as it turned out. He was so surprised to finally gain level 3 in agility that he tripped, nearly gutted himself on his own fence, and flip-flopped heels over head into the rosebush he'd planted the other day. While escaping his thorny new problem he swallowed a bug. [Agility lvl 3, Constitution lvl 7, LEVEL UP!]

Thank every available higher power his mom didn't know enough English to recognize swears, though that might be because he was swearing in a mix of American, British, Scotch, and Welsh. Those last two weren't actually English.

[Language Skills lvl 5] {Congratulations on learning Welsh}

Language was actually the most interesting skill in his badly-organized SIMS ripoff. Each level had it's own new language. To balance that out, every new language had the Speech skill start at zero though. So what it meant by "Learning Welsh" was that he could hear and understand any welsh-speaker now but if he spoke he'd sound like he choked on a kazoo. Writing was its own special hell.

Tsuna left his shoes and shot upstairs to his computer. He fixed the document tracking his progress and coded it. It was obviously him keeping track of something but without the menu key it was useless. 

"Observe the loser in his native habitat." He grumped then started as [Observe] stuttered his vision. The screen had changed to show something else entirely.

**Welcome to the Gamers' Bridge**

_Everyone here has a story that can change the worlds of hundreds of people._

_We must be protagonists. What kind is our choice._

_{Chat}_

_{Known Free Information, Spells, and Components}_

_{Shop}_

_Warning, The Abyss is looking._

_We have a level 10 Threat in America as our very own Godling faces off against a New Quest within the West Greek Pantheon. Please theorize as many sea-based spells as possible in the chat-room._

_The Gamer is holding a support session OTC XX:XX_

_Play well. Make Friends. Be Safe._

_Currently online:_

**_(you)Boss_ **

_Guardian_

_Captor_

_Godling_

_Master_

_King_


	2. Suggestively Shaped Stuff

### Menu

Tsuna shrieked, “Hiee!” and stared. [MENU] The menu, he was finally seeing the menu for this game. Not worth much, nearly the whole thing was greyed out. He tapped on his map and played with locations a bit. Fast travel was a thing, a thing he couldn’t do right now because apparently there were enemies nearby…wait, where? Who?

It took nearly an hour of stopped time and freaking out before he found the exit was a frustrated growl. A noise he’d never really made before. All the better, he sounded like a pathetic little pissed-off kitten. There was no dignity in it at all. Not that there was any in the shriek he’d opened the menu with and oh gods and spirits he’d have to make those noises repeatedly wouldn’t he?

He reached under his desk for his gun, his dad’s actually, retrieved from the study when he still thought dungeons and monsters were possible and was entirely focused on not dying. Potential death-games are a hell of a motivator.

He wondered if he could use this moment to level up shooting? He’d gotten five levels of Sneak and two Speech (improved Japanese and learned American then improved American and learned British) just finding out where to buy ammunition.

He quickly calculated how far ‘nearby’ was in game terms. Potential line-of-sight was usual. Which meant he was about to be sniped! He ducked and fired back randomly out the window. When there was no return fire he whispered, “Hiee,” and checked the menu. He could now fast-travel. Did he just kill someone?

+++++++++++++++++

Sneaking out of his house should have been a harder check than it was. He knew the bullet had gone out the window and there was a tree between his window and the next potential sniper nest. Also a tree. A tree that had snapped beneath the weight of the sniper when Tsuna’s bullet startled him by cracking it. The strange man had landed on what Tsuna assumed was his spotter (great job genius) so very badly that it had broken both their necks.

He hyperventilated wondering if this counted as murder. He hadn’t killed them, their own stupidity (and willingness to attack a middle-schooler) had technically done them in. But he’d shot back…And he was still standing over two dead bodies, so now what? He panicked over that for a good fifteen minutes.

Then they dissolved. Tsuna stood dumbfounded. It took him another minute to pick up the combat gear, guns, and ammunition they dropped and another half-hour to figure out that his inventory worked based on touching things he wanted to store to the openings of his pockets and reaching into the pockets while intending to retrieve something for reverse.

He walked home with sniper stuff in his pockets and shock keeping his face blank. Sneaking in was even easier than sneaking out.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The site was a great deal less surprising when he got back to it. There was a veritable treasure trove of information on how ‘Live-gaming’ worked.

Places to practice and ways to meet other gamers were harder to find.

There was a convention in Tokyo…

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tsuna gleefully took advantage of his mother’s willingness to travel. The convention wasn’t just people who liked video games, it was for Gamers. Friendly ones, who Tsuna could ask about his own tag. He managed the courage to approach an older looking Gamer adult with black messy hair and kind green eyes.

“Your Tag says [Boss],” [Master of Death] told him when he asked. They talked over a Pokémon merchandise table.

 “What does that mean?” Tsuna asked. He examined a particularly cute hat with a magikarp saying “When I evolve…” on it.

“You’re going to be the boss of something important someday. Either getting there or something that happens when you do will make you into a protagonist of some kind. That always happens. See that guy?” [Master] gestured to a guy in a red Chinese outfit with oddly long hair in a short ponytail. Above his head was the tag; [Martial Artist]

“Yeah?” Tsuna watched warily from the corner of his eye as the guy desperately tried to placate a crowd of increasingly hostile women hanging off him. He startled when [Master] paid for the hat and dropped it on Tsuna’s head.

“Went for the title of best Martial Artist in the world via his dad’s ‘Anything Goes’ style. Got it when he was sixteen via his dad’s insane methods.” [Master] looked oddly grim for something that sounded like good news. “The Game thought that storyline was boring and now he’s stuck in a martial-arts-dating-sim.”

“The game passes judgement on how entertaining we are?” Tsuna shrieked. “I’m a Middle-School Loser!”

[Master] stared at him. “If we weren’t in a gamer’s convention that would have attracted all the bad attention.” He pointed out. “And yes. I managed to make like a British chosen-one adventure protagonist and keep my dignity, but you live in Japan so…good luck future anime protagonist.”

Tsuna heaved a sigh so hard it nearly threw out his back. “Great.” He plucked the hat off and offered it back to [Master].

“Keep it.” He smiled, looking more tired than Tsuna ever wanted to be. “You’ll need the advice.”

“Advice?” Tsuna looked down at the hat.

“When you evolve,” [Master] looked a little happier. “You’re going to kill them all.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tsuna lifted the rifle again, sighted, and shot. Guardian was right. Sniping animals was just as irritating in real life as in Skyrim. “Thanks for that recommendation.” He muttered as he put away the gun and held up his hands to watch the calluses and blowback fade from his palms.

“Shit it worked!”

Tsuna whipped the smaller gun out to aim at the voice. Then he froze. The nametag read [Keeper of the Dark Heart] Who was this? A Gamer clearly but… “What worked?” He busied himself hiding the gun and his expression. That was not what he meant to ask.

“Huh?” The kid said, boy or girl Tsuna couldn’t tell, young, about ten years old… “Oh! Teleporting.” he scuffed his feet on the forest floor. “Hi, I’m [Master of Death]’s godkid. Teddy. I remember you from that meetup when he and King dueled a year ago. Nice to see you again [Boss].”

“You always give your name out to virtual strangers?”

“I knew about you already,” Keeper…Teddy pointed out, “also excited because I discovered Dark-Teleport.”

Tsuna pocketed the gun. “You can call me Tsuna, and don’t just teleport behind people. I almost shot you.”

“Gun stuff? Like [Guardian of London] does?” Teddy tried to peek at Tsuna’s pockets, nearly unbalancing them both.

“He’s the one who made the practice suggestions. He had to do a lot of online explaining, books on guns aren’t exactly public material in Japan. There’s been three separate shooters I’ve knocked out for their stuff so far and one pair of idiots who broke their necks falling out of a tree.” Tsuna shrugged. “I’m a little concerned about how unbothered by that I am now.”

“Gamerbrain, the same thing that screams ‘OHMAGHERD A KNIFE!’ is totally silent in game terms because the people don’t look quite real enough and holding a knife or gun is totally different than holding a console controller. MoD and I got lucky with magic. Magic games are more different from the real thing than gun games and the Game follows in that mindset. You gotta be careful if you don’t want to act particularly sociopathic.” Teddy wasn’t even out of breath.

“Got a lot to say, don’t you?” Tsuna blinked at Teddy’s babble-speed.

“Not really, just my power doesn’t so much come with limits as detractors and I see visions of a place when it’s silent and the reason there’s no animals making noise or whatever here is because this is a dumping grounds for murder victims from the mafia and I don’t suppose you know somewhere more friendly to be?” Teddy hummed while Tsuna unstuck his brain.

Tsuna jumped and promptly started to lead the way into town. “How about a café?” He asked. “Do I want to know how many…?”

“Not in the slightest, gonna have nightmares as is.” Teddy’s voice was getting strained as he desperately made as much noise as possible.

“Must make leveling Sneak a pain.” They reached the path.

“You know it.” Teddy’s humming started to sound familiar.

“That better not be an earworm.” Tsuna muttered.

They finally got out of the woods and Teddy tested the scenery for a moment before humming again. “Did you know that your town is a mafia retirement village?”

“What.” Tsuna couldn’t even pronounce that as a question.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The next morning Tsuna got more answers than he really wanted.

"Chaos!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you couldn't tell, [Master of Death] is Harry Potter and [Martial Artist] was Ranma.
> 
> It was only afterward that I realized the description sounded like Fon a bit too.


	3. Where'd the Bathroom Go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He's like Lydia but if he died I'd feel bad."
> 
> Wherin Mochida is boring so I sidestepped him for Gokudera.

### Kaboom

Tsuna walked with Kyoko on the way to school. It kept Reborn from elaborating too much on the mafia thing. Normally Tsuna might have snuck to school for practice but he was still a couple hours away from gaining the level that would sneak him past Reborn when the hitman had full attention on Tsuna.

“…stalking the beautiful Kyoko!” Sadly not-sneaking to school meant dealing with problems like Mochida. He’d reached an acceptable level in Japanese Speech that this shouldn’t be too difficult.

“We’re next-door neighbors. It’s the same path to school.” Tsuna pointed where they’d come from. “We normally come at different times but Kyoko said she was late today and I’m avoiding an issue at home. On that note…Why were you watching us walk to school? You live in the opposite direction? Why didn’t we see you?”

“It doesn’t matter!” The delusional kendo captain shouted. “You are filth!” The crowd of students whipped their heads back and forth like they were watching a tennis game.

“I’m not the one who thought ‘no, thank you’ meant ‘yes please.’ You’re lucky her brother didn’t hear you ignore her rejection like that.” Tsuna eyed the entrance where Sasagawa Ryohei was walking in. “Don’t you already have three girlfriends?” He pitched his voice so Kyoko’s brother definitely heard. “You shouldn’t hurt poor Sasagawa-chan like that!”

Mochida opened his mouth, likely as not to challenge Tsuna to a beatdown, but Tsuna hadn’t been playing poker with the other Gamers for nothing. The look on Sasagawa-sempai’s face combined with Kyoko’s tears aimed at Mochida who had forgotten that he was holding her arm hard enough to bruise were a powerful omen. Luck was on his level as he took one step back out of fallout-range to watch the carnage.

He didn’t make the mistake of smiling but it was close.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Lay off.” Tsuna said at least partially to Reborn watching him from the corner as well as Yamamoto. “You’re scores are stagnating because you’ve reached all possible limits, especially since your so-called teammates basically stopped trying to play in favor of letting you do all the work. You’ll get better in High-School when you’re playing against people who care again.”

Yamamoto stared at Tsuna, then at his scores again. “Can’t believe I missed that…” he mumbled.

“Take care of yourself too, play the game instead of the competition for a while. Might make you feel better.” Tsuna rolled his eyes. They took their seats again as the teacher announced a new student.

Tsuna neatly intuited this Gokudera’s aim and distracted him last minute with a new move [King] taught him; [By the Power of Moe!] It wasn’t like his menu options left him any dignity as it was, and even if they had Reborn seemed to be looking for opportunities to kill it more. Number One Hitman indeed.

Tsuna tilted his head to the side and pulled his hands close but not quite touching as he lowered his shoulders. He widened his eyes until they watered then stuck out his lower lip slightly, projecting _“SPARKLES!!!”_ as hard as he could. Finally he stuck his foot out to the side.

So instead of kicking Tsuna’s desk over, Gokudera tripped over Tsuna’s foot into his own chair. Tsuna peeked at the silveret in the window reflection. He looked a bit ashy, Tsuna wondered if he’d overdone it with the Moe. (Reborn had actually fell out of the tree from just the backwash) Was Gokudera…?

Tsuna shifted a little in his seat to check better. Yes. He was. The new kid was staring at Tsuna’s ass. Tsuna bit and chewed on his lip… [New Skill Created: Flirt!]

Harry’s warning haunted him, _“The Game thought the storyline was boring…”_

Tsuna really didn’t need to be thinking of Mafia Harems in math class.

“Damnit Sawada!” So maybe slamming his head into his desk hadn’t been the most socially correct of responses but still.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Die!”

Thank Gaia for Jump skill. And [Constitution]. Tsuna prayed that this was entertaining enough he wouldn’t wind up chased by a crowd of violently pervy people. He threw a couple flips in for flair, just in case. His flailing when his [Agility] was only enough to make sure he didn’t fall probably looked pretty funny.

A second “Enemy Tracker” flickered up and to the left. Tsuna barely ducked the bullet. It wasn’t a normal one, the arm of his uniform caught yellow fire. He fell over from the shock and pressure from a bomb he didn’t put out or dodge in time.

He slammed down on his left side and skidded. It put out the fire but there was blood on what was left of his sleeve now. He’d have to fake bandages now his skin no longer cut or scraped but he’d clearly been injured. He gasped for a moment as he watched his [Constitution] bar fade away with the simulated pain.

“Double Bomb!” Gokudera was scowling but his throws were more resigned than dismissive.

Tsuna was so surprised that he didn’t duck the second bullet. It struck his head. He saw static.

As it cleared, slowly Tsuna dealt with the sudden feeling of displacement and vertigo. He stared down at his own body. It looked like he’d accidentally hit the “Third Person” button. He stared, astrally projected mouth open in shock as he watched his body, while on fire with particularly orange flames, work though a cut-scene: “SURVIVE WITH MY DYING WILL!”

Tsuna followed the prompts to put out the fuses as quickly as he could. It took him a couple of minutes to figure out the third person controls and pre-empt the movements. As he did they faded away until he was on his own.

It took another couple minutes to put out the second ‘Double Bomb.’ Tsuna wondered how long he’d be in third-person like this and how to get back. It was the only thing the guide/tutorial hadn’t covered.

Tsuna felt vaguely sorry for the other kid. He was a Gamer and the last available heir for a mafia family and Reborn still scared him. He couldn’t imagine how terrifying Reborn must be to someone whose death wouldn’t hurt the hitman at all, not that he could help much like this.

“Triple Bomb!” The kid was starting to look kind of desperate even before he dropped enough bombs that he’d endangered his own life as well as Tsuna’s. That was as analytical as Tsuna got before he was whacked with a cutscene again.

“RESCUE WITH MY DYING WILL!” His quest had changed. A timer appeared with thirty seconds on it. Tsuna started to fall back into his body as he fiddled the controls to keep running. The timer ran out just as Tsuna reached Gokudera.

He was back in his body but ‘grabbed’ the fire and whipped it behind him as he snagged Gokudera and [Jumped] them both into a tree.

Gokudera blinked with his mouth wide open at the destruction where they had just been standing. Tsuna waited for a couple seconds before rolling his eyes and gently putting his hand under Gokudera’s jaw and closing his mouth for him.

The declaration of devotion might have even been touching if Tsuna hadn’t had to take a full hour to talk Gokudera down from calling him Juudaime. He only pushed him as far as ‘Boss’ but at least Tsuna was used to that one on some level and it wouldn’t draw quite as much attention.

He’d leveled up [Flirt] by accident on the way. Dodging [Martial Artist]’s fate was going to be harder than he’d thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omake: Gamer Sexuality  
> Tsuna blushed and hid his face in Harry’s coat.  
> “And that’s why all Gamers so far have been demisexual.” [Gamer] finished.  
> “And thank Gaia for that gay option!” Several newer Gamers chorused.


	4. We've All Tried to Kill The Children, You are Completely Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being friends with someone so they won't commit suicide is suuuper scary and dangerous and Takeshi needs a counselor.

### Communications Happen

“One of your 99 problems is a psycho right?” Tsuna’s caller ID read correctly for Gamers only. [Martial Artist] would know who he was, “ow! Sorry, Hi, This is Tsuna.”

“Something [bugging] you?” Ranma murmured. Anything else would be overheard and get him caught.

“My tutor doesn’t like my manners.” Tsuna confirmed. “For real though, What’s your stalling method for Xian Pu?”

“Avoid and Evade. Got a pervert problem?” Ranma carefully scaled to a better hiding place. He wasn't a coward but he didn't need more accusations today.

Tsuna sighed. “Not as such. I just rescued a guy from committing suicide but now he’s acting like we’re close friends and I’m seriously wigged. How do you deal with someone who wants to spend time with you but has no sense of self-preservation?”

“Not sure I can help.” Ranma scratched his head. Then checked his surroundings for eavesdroppers. “I’m not invested in the 99 Problems’ survival I just refuse to be someone’s outright bad guy. I’d go out of my way to save mallet-girl, her sisters, and BFF…because I have to live with them and I’m actually friends with her respectively. But let’s just say, if Kodachi, Xian Pu, or Cogh Lon were on fire? I’d be calmly drinking ice water in front of them.”

“I’d rather he and Yamamoto not die.” Tsuna said, eyeing Reborn.

“Find Yamamoto a penpal and better friends. The new guy I don’t know. Sadly, it looks like you’ll have to act as their helicopter mom for a bit. It’s a flame thing right? Clearly that bit about only one of each type is bull, you have a Storm-bond with [Captor] and a Rain-bond with [Godling].” Ranma spotted the pig. “Gotta go, being stalked by p-chan.”

“Be safe, be well.” Tsuna dropped the call and set his phone aside. “Reborn, are you going to do anything about the toddler lining up a gun from that tree? He’s not aiming at me now but those branches can’t hold anything that big.”

“I don’t associate with lesser mafioso.”

Well, Tsuna had gotten those discipline and parenting books on Harry’s recommendation. Time to use what he’d assimilated. That kid was going to get hurt bad when that branch broke.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Well ‘Lambo’ might like Nana better than Tsuna but he did what Tsuna told him without having to resort to bribery. Tsuna was going to call that a win. He’d also managed to pin the little brat before he’d used that bazooka thing. [Menu] time allowed him to slip extra pepper into Reborn’s food and eat his own so it wouldn’t be stolen. Seriously, throwing knives at children.

Gaia help him he was getting used to the crazy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Apparently getting an adult for even plot-adjacent issues is cheating.” Harry confirmed from his hospital bed.” I’ve tagged along on twelve missions, on all the ones completely separate from the plot of the instigator I’ve been injured, and the ones that are plot relevant I’ve been cutscene-‘killed.’ The only one where the connection to plot wasn’t obvious was the one with your Child Experiment Mafia. Chances are you’re going to see something from that again.”

“So why the hospital now?” Tsuna gestured. Sakura nodded along.

“Me.” It was [Guardian] and he looked like he’d stepped out of a medicine magazine. Extensive change given his tendency to get his clothes from [Mordred] “Hi, call me John while we’re here. The hospital is something of a distraction. I can give doctors notes for Gamers with its authority. It’s also where I’m staying and studying for now.”

Tsuna nodded. “Everyone else?” Sakura asked.

“Home.” John sighed. “I’m off to Afghanistan after I’ve finished training here. Get your kicks in while you can.”

“Welp, I’m out.” Sakura climbed onto Kerebros. “See you later. Meanwhile I have a resurrected abandoning asshole to ‘correct.’”

“Bye.” Tsuna waved. Then he got up himself. “I’ll call. Can’t sneak out much with Reborn on my ass now.”

“Good luck with your mafia harem!”

Tsuna refused to turn and find out who said that.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

His disappearance for the weekend had consequences in the form of Reborn trying to initiate stress-bonding with a ‘Family Entrance Test’ that not even the Estraeno would have touched.

Tsuna had to ‘almost’ get hit by Hayato’s bombs twelve times before the slow idiot cottoned on to Tsuna’s protecting Yamamoto. (It leveled up constitution and the menu was a great rest-and-heal device but really? What’s it gonna take to get him to listen and pay attention?)

Yamamoto, now Takeshi after proper conversation, understood Tsuna in a way that no one but Gamers generally did. Tsuna wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing.

“What a fun game!” Takeshi stretched an arm around Tsuna’s shoulders.

“It’s not a game Baseball-Freak!” Hayato, not to be outdone by Takeshi had offered his own name after the ‘test.’ It was like he didn’t even feel Tsuna’s prickly disapproval when directed at him.

“It’s fine.” Tsuna said to both of them. “Reborn doesn’t play games he’s not winner in.” He poked Takeshi. “Even when he should lose. He cheats.”

“Number One Hitman Dame-Tsuna.” Reborn walked past them with an evil smirk that Tsuna longed to destroy.

“See?” He turned back to Takeshi.

“Yeah.” Takeshi laughed. “We going to play again sometime?”

“Not. A. Game.” Hayato ground his teeth in a way that sounded super painful to Tsuna.

“We don’t need to be playing games to hang out.” Tsuna clarified. “And I didn’t like the ‘Mafia Game.’ I’d rather not play it again.”

“You OK?” Takeshi stopped and looked at Tsuna.

“Strained a few things and Reborn plays with real guns with his rubber bullets so I’m likely to be bruised all over by tonight.” Tsuna confirmed. “You have approximately the best aim ever though ‘cause you didn’t hit anything when you dropped your arm on my shoulders.”

“Heh,” Takeshi very carefully removed his arm to scratch his head. Tsuna appreciated the casual gesture to make it look like he wasn’t avoiding touching. Almost as much as he appreciated the consideration in the first place.

“It’s fine.” Tsuna shrugged and winced. “Reborn’s going to make them all worse by tomorrow anyway.”

He was wrong. Reborn didn’t make them all worse the next day.

A woman named Bianchi did.


	5. Slow, Stupid, and Harmless, But It Will Haunt Your Fucking Dreams Forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meeting people, avoiding people.
> 
> Takeshi actually knows a thing he should have known in the Manga

### Loony Squad

[Agility] Lvl 34!

[Sneak] Lvl 50!

Tsuna grinned like a lunatic. He could now become invisible by crouching and hiding, even hiding badly. It looked like that purple-haired stranger was looking at him when he disappeared. Well now she was looking for him.

Probably to throw what looked like an improvised soda-can-gas-canister judging by the thing smoking in her hand. Well good, he hoped she choked.

Tsuna waited another couple of seconds as she threw away the can (killing several birds nearby) then stalked off towards the school.

Tsuna decided to test out the agility thing by parkouring to school. He had skipped over the roofs of three houses before dropping into the school-yard and bolting inside.

School was no more awful or chaotic than usual, although Hayato once again loudly bemoaning his failure to protect Tsuna on the way to school was interrupted by Hayato hearing from Tsuna about the purple-head with the soda-gas-thing, which shut him up for a good two minutes.

His actually quiet explanation later about poison user that was his sister had Tsuna steaming. “Hiee,” still allowed him to check his stats. The sooner he had a better menu-call the better.

Constitution as high as he had it would protect him from being outright killed by poison, but/and he needed another few close calls to ignore it completely. This Bianchi could be useful if he managed to only peripherally get poisoned. No need to find out first-hand if she had a high enough level of poison to kill him in one move.

Then he saw the cakes the girls had made. Kyoko’s was not up to her usual standard, by a landslide. Tsuna checked rapidly for what other people might be seeing. Intuition could be great but not when he’s the only one seeing something wrong.

“Kyoko? Is it supposed to be covered in maggots and smoking purple?” [Speech] (Japanese) Lvl 59

It was not, in fact, supposed to be covered in maggots and smoking purple. Tsuna supposed that if he’d grown up a normal Japanese schoolboy with a crush on the school idol he might have been bothered by her upset screaming.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tsuna gained five levels in constitution by the end of the day. He also found out that seeing Bianchi was enough to flatten Hayato.

“Takeshi? Could you make sure that if she shows up nothing hurts Hayato?” Tsuna only needed to smile at Takeshi to get him to agree. With that out of the way, the problem of Bianchi was limited to how to get rid of her without hurting Hayato.

She was his sister, but how much would he actually care if she disappeared or died?

Probably too much for Tsuna to do something drastic.

Tsuna opened the newest box of illusion-covered weapons that John absolutely should not have been sending him. Good, the Taser he’d asked for was here.

Tsuna checked the instructions and wound the thing. He finished just in time for the doorbell to ring.

She got as far as, “Vongola…” before Tsuna had her unconscious. The smoke knocked him back and leveled his Constitution instantly. The ‘clam pizza’ got all over his hands. *shudder* Tsuna held his breath and nearly tripped over himself at his haste to get to the kitchen.

He washed his hands and turned the fan on to get rid of the fumes. Then he grabbed long tongs to pick up and dispose of the box and its contents.

He got the feeling that Reborn was calculating something. Maybe his knee-jerk response to the name Vongola being violence. It must have looked bad.

Reborn shouldn’t have been so surprised. It wasn’t like Tsuna hadn’t said exactly what he thought a dozen times.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tsuna stormed out the door with Hayato and Takeshi. Reborn was a complete ASS who invited the poisoner to live with them.

“I’m not taking that lying down, Reborn or no Reborn.” He reassured Hayato. “Soon as I can hack it, either she’s going to leave or I am.”

“You don’t have to do that for me Juudaime!” Hayato panted slightly as he tried to keep up with Tsuna’s rage-walk.

“Ha-ha, you pass out in her presence.” Takeshi gasped out his usual laugh. “That’s really bad. You weren’t playing were you?”

Tsuna stopped suddenly enough that they both bumped into him. He only stumbled one step forward. [Strength] lvl 15. “He wasn’t playing, and I’m not doing this exclusively for you.” He stared them down, not an easy feat when they were both taller. “I don’t want you passing out like that and I really don’t want her to poison the rest of us to that extent either.”

While he was talking he carefully waited for Sasagawa-Sempai to pass. He didn’t need more uninvited problems.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“…Angels with pure hearts!”

Tsuna had to shriek before he burst out laughing. The menu hid his hilarity until he was done and managed to keep a straight face while figuring out what to say.

“ **I** didn’t teach him that. My dad sent him from Italy and he’s been acting like that the whole time. If you think you can teach him better or ‘save’ him then you’re welcome to try.” Tsuna said. “And he’s not my brother, we’re not related. Unless Dad had an affair while he was in Italy.”

“Oh, My, Gosh.” Miura babbled and cried all over the little hitman before going for the denied hug anyway.

Tsuna sniggered at the look on Reborn’s face as the little hitman now had to deal with the {Immortal Object} that was Miura Haru. Tsuna’s ability to sneak away in plain sight now, including from Reborn’s bugs, let him watch from a safe distance as the hitman realized that he couldn’t shoot the girl dead.

Then Miura took his gun away.

Tsuna might have almost broken the game leveling up his [Speed] by three in one panicked dash.

He watched the carnage from a safe distance.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In hindsight he should have expected the ensuing ‘Training Menu.’


	6. Flat Squirrels That Couldn't Make Descisions

### Takeshi knows the thing he should have known in the manga

“You’ll go to heaven in thirty seconds.” [Observe] had allowed him to notice the knockout poison before Reborn decided to be a little prick but that didn’t mean Tsuna was happy. He briefly fantasized about feeding Reborn his own cosplay.

“HEIE?!” He paused in the menu to watch with satisfaction as his [Constitution] leveled up. What didn’t get spent leveling him was not enough to actually cause any major issues.

He regretted that assertion as soon as the headache hit. He barely followed the conversation as he lay down and squeezed his head to (not quite successfully) make the pain stop.

Reborn convinced them to find a place where Tsuna could lie down.

He did not convince them to use the exact room he suggested however.

 “No.” From Takeshi, who had stopped smiling for the first time in living memory.

“Why not?” Reborn said as he packed away the costume. Hayato was too shocked to speak.

Tsuna deliriously patted Takeshi on the head while the baseball star explained. “Because that’s Hibari’s committee room and we don’t want to die.”

“I could take him for you!” Hayato started off and Tsuna had to help stop him.

“We enjoy each-other’s company on occasion and he owes me a favor. I’m not ruining or wasting that on a nap.” Tsuna gritted his teeth. That was a fight they did not need. “The teacher for the next period likes me enough to let me sleep if I need it.”

“ **Little Animal…”**

Hayato nearly started that fight anyway as Hibari chucked a tonfa at Tsuna to get his attention. Tsuna lurched out of their arms to in front of Gokudera deliberately to catch it. Standing in the way of his…whatever Hayato was…He held the cool metal of the weapon to his head.

“Yes Benevolent Carnivore?” He snorted at Hibari’s affronted reaction, both to being treated as a non-threat and to his beloved weapon being used as a medical aid.

“Nurse’s office. Go.” Hibari growled. “See you swaying.”

“Yay.” Tsuna groaned. Takeshi lifted him again in a bridal carry and started off. Tsuna handed back the tonfa on the way, vaguely recalling that the potential of a romance plotline was something to be avoided but he was in too much pain to care how he was being carried at the moment. Also, over-the-shoulder would definitely make it worse.

He was sick enough to have lost control of the [Moe] slightly on the way there. Hibari froze like he’d been smacked with a wrecking ball.

He was ready to sleep in the infirmary to regain all [HP] when someone definitely stroked his hip.

Well, he’d have to deal with that later. Or never. Never might be good.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

His fear of a mafia harem was thoroughly derailed before he could mention it in the chatroom. Turns out the fire he’d been expelling in the third-person mode was learnable by other gamers the same way magic was.

They were discussing possible applications and safety measures after [Guardian] had turned a terrorist insurgent inside out with yellow flames. He swore it was an accident and with as hard as it had been to cover that up it better have been. Though it had stopped the guy from suicide-bombing that base.

Teddy’s frustration with lightning that hardened things was becoming infamous. Their spar with [Godling] where they trapped the periwinkle-flames and by extension [Godling], whose name was actually Percy, in a bubble had yet to be recreated.

They all managed to have fun with [Godling]…Percy’s birthday party. John and Tsuna attended via face-time due to their respective secrecy. Percy had made friends with a homeless cyclops named Tyson who had reacted surprisingly well to their play with fire given the water theme.

Sakura actually brought a cake. They experimented at length with the flames until they were attacked. Percy had difficulty comforting her when her flames straight-up dissolved an Arae. That the creature was a curse-fulfiller from another monster and that the monster in question would be reforming unharmed helped. That the monsters had no real connections to each other and killed indiscriminately finished off whatever pity she’d had for them.

[King], Yugi had a lot of fun playing with illusions that tranquilized people. Less fun was had when Harry accidentally multiplied them. It was all fascinating.

The so-called ‘gay option’ and equal opportunity love of the games meant he wasn’t offended or even irritated when the realization that the colors were from the rainbow meant he’d be fielding ‘Pride Parade Mafia Boss’ jokes forever.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“You killed him in your sleep.” Reborn finished with what was obviously fake gravitas.

Tsuna just stared at the ‘body’ then back at Reborn. The [ID] tag over the guy’s head was still there. [Moretti the Murdered] “How?”

“What do you mean?” Reborn was leaning on his lisp a bit.

Tsuna waited for a couple of seconds for Reborn to realize what he just asked, “You’re a hitman. Your chameleon can be a gun. From what I’ve seen you have nearly a hammer space of weapons. If you said you killed him in your sleep I’d buy that. I’m a weak teenager. There are no bullet holes and I’d have heard a gun at that range, even with a silencer. There’s no way I could have strangled him. There are no knives in reach and no knife wounds on him anyway. He’s got…”

Tsuna patted down the guy for weapons gamer-style. “Three guns, six knives, and a canister of probably-poison or knockout gas. All untouched. He’s not holding any of them and nothing has been knocked out of his hand.” Tsuna gestured to the clean room, devoid of weapons that weren’t Reborn(‘s).

“I hate detective stories, but even I know that means either he was killed elsewhere and moved here, or he’s not actually dead.” Tsuna finished. “So, to be sure he’s dead…” He pulled out a pistol, loaded it, clicked off the safety and pointed it at the guy on the bed. Gamer Aim with such a weak weapon would have him shooting the guy in the leg even if he was point blank on this [Moretti]’s face. Not permanent and Tsuna wouldn’t pity the guy either. Fake dying in HIS bed no you will not.

He maybe felt a little pity when the guy shot up in reaction to the totes-fur-realz death threat and Tsuna was startled into shooting him in the ass.

Not enough to offer help though.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Between Hibari's petting and whoever had groped him while he was poisoned combined with the incident with the guy who faked his death in Tsuna's bed of all places and the Mafia Pride jokes he was officially resigned to a mafia harem.

Denial was only making it worse.

But he was evolving, and maybe this is what would kill them all.

If he remembered correctly, his father was homophobic as well as a narcissist and toxic masculinity was his bread and butter.

Time to confront the possibilities.


	7. Quest Items...

 

### Winter

At least I-Pin’s crush was on Hibari? Hibari, who’d taken to leaving ‘gifts’ like a cat, or maybe they were threats? It didn’t matter. Tsuna landed a hit in a fight once, Hibari wanted a rematch, perfectly normal stuff… For Hibari. The Demon Prefect wasn’t crushing on him. _He wasn’t! Please?!_

Getting the littles to stop calling each other names was even harder to deal with.

“Broccoli Monster!”

“AAAH!”

“Next person to scream in my ear like that will suffer.” Tsuna deliberately pitched his voice so they’d hear it.

I-Pin went quiet. She probably knew that tone from Fon. Kami knew Tsuna had stolen the concept off of Hibari.

“Lambo-Sama doesn’t need to listen to Dame-Tsuna!” Thankfully the screaming wasn’t near his head this time.

“Don’t you?” Tsuna asked mildly.

“Nobody but the Decimo enters.” Tsuna eyed the men in suits nobody should be wearing in his neighborhood.

“My House. My Rules.” Tsuna finished, aimed at both Lambo and the men. [Speech] (Italian) Lvl 14.

He stole his next move from John. Selective use of flames allowed him to Activate the winter flowers’ Tranquility laced pollen with a kick. [Magic: Dying Will Flames] Lvl 36 [Sun] 3 [Rain] 7

Even Lambo went silent as the crowd of Mafioso were knocked out instantly.

“And when I find out what Reborn did this time…” Tsuna grumbled in English as he took in his mother’s ‘explanation.’ Then he started to make coffee, carefully adding crushed tea leaves to the pot and placing remnants of Bianchi’s latest ‘cookies’ in the bottom of the coffee containers. It wasn’t as if anyone but Reborn drank it after all. [Sneak] Lvl 54, [Speech] (British) Lvl 23.

Tsuna eyed the machine as it started to brew. Then he picked up the phone and dialed, “Hey Takeshi-Kun? Could you get Hayato and come over? We can study for the English final and you can sleep over.” Tsuna waited for Takeshi to confirm with his dad where he’d be.

“Ha! Got permission. Anything we should know? We’re still playing that mafia game right?” Tsuna could hear the steel under Takeshi’s laughter.

“I’m going to need allies for this level of the game, Reborn brought someone to play on his side. He’s got a small army outside and while they’re tranquilized right now you may have to sneak in the back if they wake up before you get here.” Tsuna clarified. “I’m up against what’s probably a boss alone right now.”

“Be there soon.” There was a sharpness behind the audible smile. Tsuna enjoyed distracting his new friends with each other but Takeshi would need that sudden grimness to get Hayato on board and obedient. If only it wasn’t temporary.

Hayato’s hanging on Reborn’s every word hadn’t stopped or even slowed since his supposed ‘allegiance’ to Tsuna.

Tsuna texted Hibari that a potential carnivore was in his house and invading his space. The coffee finished brewing. Tsuna took a deep breath, fixed the mugs, and took them to his room.

He took the hazing with a grain of salt.

The ‘encouragement’ on the other hand… the bit where he was supposed to be incredibly grateful that Reborn would deign to make him an excellent mafia boss despite his humble beginnings…

“Civilian Beginnings.” Tsuna barely held back from freezing the room.

“Huh?” the Mafia Boss finally stopped to listen.

“Civilian Beginnings, not humble beginnings.” Tsuna clarified, glaring. “ _You started_ with the knowledge that you may have to lead some day and that Reborn would stop you from fucking up too badly. Anything he did to you was therefore worth it because the Famiglia you, on some level, loved was going to be OK.”

Tsuna took a deep breath. “I didn’t say ‘I don’t want to be the Vongola Boss’ and mean ‘it’s too much responsibility.’ I said ‘I don’t want to be a Mafia Boss’ and meant that I have never met a Mafioso I liked. I don’t want to be like you, behavior wise.” Tsuna stopped himself there. If anyone from or near Vongola got the idea that he was too intractable they’d start holding people near to him hostage. It would be difficult to work around that.

“You don’t like me little brother?” the man pouted like a little child.

“A man allied to the Famiglia which has endangered your friends arrives. His men threaten the children in your care. He enters your private space uninvited, alters it without permission, and when you arrive to find all this has occurred he proceeds to insult you at length.” Tsuna detailed. “Would you like that guy? Seriously, you have no right to call me ‘little brother’.”

The man’s guilty response is interrupted by a sponge turtle. When it’s dehydrated enough to be small again Tsuna hands it back in a box. He then stares the man down with the poker face he learned from Yami Yugi.

“Sorry?” Cavallone winced.

“Are you asking or telling?” Tsuna asked.

“Telling, Sorry.” The Mafioso cringed again.

“I will never call you sempai.” Tsuna said, “Get out, and take your men with you.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Kidnapped by the Momokyokai!” Cavallone stressed to Tsuna’s friends.

Takeshi casually reached out and grabbed Hayato’s arm to stop him from running off. “Haha, Countdown Hibari-san?”

“Hn,” Hibari smirked. “Five. Four. Three. Two. One…”

 “Whoa!” Cavallone gasped, before turning “Don’t any of you care about your boss?”

“ **ZERO!** ” Takeshi chimed in.

“That was tedious.” Tsuna said.

Cavallone’s face when Tsuna spoke up from behind him was a thing of beauty.

“It’s called awareness of skill, time, and place.” Tsuna poked Cavallone’s arm. “Hayato is new but Takeshi knows I can escape a car kidnapping in ten seconds. If I’m drugged then he’ll know when I’m not back when expected.”

“And we’ve dealt with the peach idiots. They’d never be stupid enough to try something in front of Hibari-Kun!” Takeshi smiled, “So we knew you were lying.”

“They’re actually a yakuza group?!” Cavallone gasped.

They all stared at him for a solid minute.

“You didn’t check if your ‘fictional’ yakuza were actually fictional?” Hayato’s eyebrows furrowed.

“Well Reborn said…”

“Haha, you may need to start questioning the things he tells you. He doesn’t play fair.” Takeshi said.

“Hn,” Hibari snorted, “Carnivore does not protect what’s his.”


	8. ...And Inventory Limits

### And Spring

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Number one in the Mafia for not being able to refuse a request.” The kid, Fuuta, finished.

“Reasonable.” Tsuna nodded. “But you either need a way to hide that book so no one can find it or we’re going to have to burn it. If anyone, including people I like, gets their hands on that information I can promise suffering for all involved.”

“Ah, ok.” The kid looked nervously at the book, then at an all-too-interested Reborn. Then he handed the book to Tsuna. “This page is the one about you. The famiglia I was running from managed to snag a few lists but I still have that.”

Tsuna snorted at his rankings. He wondered what the kid thought of them, must look entirely bizarre to a non-gamer and promptly incinerated the book.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“What do you all have to say for yourselves?” Tsuna scolded as he looked at his friends and ‘subordinates’ who had stowed away on his and his mom’s trip to ‘Mafia Land’

The ensuing excuses were creative. It finally ended with Takeshi having not said anything yet.

“And you?” Tsuna asked mildly.

“Remember that Ad gig?” Takeshi smiled.

“Yes?” Tsuna’s mouth started to twitch, realizing where this was going.

“That’s where I got the money for the ticket. You never actually rescinded your invite to play, so…heh.” Takeshi shrugged.

“BASEBALL IDIOT!” Hayato shrieked.

“Excellent. Takeshi’s staying with me then. The rest of you can sort out your own nonsense. At least you had the decency to leave the kids out of it.” Tsuna smiled at Takeshi then dragged him back over to his mom, who was chatting with Takeshi’s dad. All proof that Takeshi was possibly the best friend ever.

The best friend ever who took ungodly joy in wrapping an arm around him, hand a little too deliberately placed for ‘friendly’ but at least he wasn’t getting Tsuna involved in what was gearing up to be an EPIC pissing contest for Tsuna’s hand with Gokudera…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Reborn was the Actual Worst. Capital letters entirely necessary.

First he separated Tsuna from the group, (most of whom had only barely redeemed their recent stalking behavior even slightly, but Takeshi, Yamamoto-San, and Kaa-Chan were there at least.)

Then he introduced Tsuna as the Decimo of the Vongola to people who wanted to test that.

Then he deliberately dragged Tsuna alongside the obstacle course from purgatory (Not hell, he’d gotten past Reborn to assist Percy with quests after all) on the way to said testing, implying that failure would be met with such things as retribution.

“You must bribe the official behind this door, with this money!”

Tsuna carefully hid his eye-roll from both the attendant (Did she think this was hard?) and Reborn. (Dame-Tsuna was a thing of the past and Tsuna didn’t appreciate Reborn’s challenges as much as he might have years ago.)

Reborn had been good for the one thing though.

“You are going to take the money.” [Japanese] lvl 100 He didn’t even need to try hard.

“Makes sense,” the man replied dully, basically hypnotized. He took the money.

Tsuna left through the obstacle course just because he could.

It was a good course, He leveled up in Agility and Strength. Though he refused to acknowledge the [Tiny Dancer] achievement he got from a particularly spinny dodge. Reborn's expression when he came out the other side and curtsyed was captured on his GamerCam.

He let the other Baby-Man, (Apparently named Collonello) use him as an example for why the current trainees sucked, then he took the reward for finishing the course without getting hit and trekked back to the group.

He’d just arrived when the explosions started.

“Everybody, we’re going now.” Tsuna calmly started to walk back to the hotel. He paused and Observed the attackers just long enough to stop him in shock. He recognized the name of (Another Baby-person!) attacking the Island on an octopus. “I stand corrected. Yamamoto-San If you could get Mama back to the hotel that would be great. I have a pen-friend’s idiot cousin to talk down.”

Catching up to the purple monstrosity was simple enough. Getting Reborn and Collonello to stop beating on him long enough to talk to him however...That took some doing.

“Hi Regulus.” Sometimes blunt really is the best way. Though perhaps he’s merely spending too much time with Reborn.

“…Do I know you?” The suddenly polite and excessively Victorian behavior and poise actually got the other baby-men to freeze.

“Harry Potter says congratulations on being the only other person to figure out the thing. You may have also noticed that the leader of your childhood Dumb Choices is a bit dead and has been for a decade now.” Tsuna continued. “Yes, the Harry Potter who is your cousin.”

Negotiations promptly broke down as Reborn and Collonello failed to hold back some incredibly nosy and insulting questions. Tsuna made a fake note from Harry, turned it into a portkey to his front door, and distance-set some of Collonello’s guns to draw attention away from the Amazing Disappearing Skull and Oodaku.

Of course that meant the questions would be directed at him then. If he hadn’t been speaking Japanese the whole time he’d have never convinced them he didn’t know anything important.

Adventure of the week over, they went home.

Hayato had found a couple of stolen pages of Fuuta’s book and ducked Reborn to get them to Tsuna.

(List of strongest fighters in Namimori was still missing but that was its own problem.)

They finally got to have the talk where Tsuna explained that he’d been favoring Takeshi because Hayato’s loyalties had leaned too far into Reborn’s hands and that Tsuna didn’t trust Reborn or like him at all.

Reborn’s behavior didn’t change so Hayato had definitely kept that secret.

Tsuna tested a bit more, suggestions that went against Reborn’s orders and so on, but it seemed that Hayato was definitely loyal to Tsuna now. He deserved a reward. Tsuna lightly despaired at the only thing he really had to reward him with.

So Tsuna invited Takeshi and Hayato for a sleepover and then fell asleep on them. The low level [Moe] lured them to sleep as well. Tsuna decided they were nice enough to keep, even with their obvious crushes. (That had nothing to do with Hayato's expression when Tsuna's head wound up in his lap at all. Or Takeshi's talented massage abilities, wandering as his hands got at times.) Better them than the other "Named Women" in his life. (Tsuna saw that notebook, Haru was a Yaoi shipper, why was he not surprised?)

Maybe not as despairing or unhappy about the idea of a mafia Harem anymore. It was a good excuse to mess with Nono’s people. Tsuna was a girly-boy shounen protagonist and without an obvious main girlfriend/love interest...Tsuna started to consider his disguise inventory and how girly he could get before Reborn reacted. His reaction to the curtsy at Mafia Land was promising.

He suddenly recalled all of the things Iemitsu had said "A Man Had To Do" and the principle of two-birds-with-one-stone, now evolving into two-mafioso-one-dress.

Reborn and Iemitsu were hyper-masculine jackasses if ever there was a way to make them suffer.

This Gay Rainbow Mafia Harem Thing might have some good points.


	9. Wooden Dragon Traps and Other Stupidities

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas, Have a Long Chapter!

### Experimentation

Tsuna glared at the pictures Reborn showed him. Birds, The Bloody Twins, and M.M. The names of criminals who had escaped the Vindice in order to kidnap flame-active ‘useful’ kids and sell them with the aid of a minor Famiglia led by a man named Lancia. They’d started by stealing the possession bullets from the Estrano base, (Stupid, should not have left those) and then taking over a minor Famiglia with them, making Lancia kill one every time there was a protest.

Then he glared even harder at the note from the Ninth. “Yeah, sure, kill the murderous Child Slavers or we’ll kill you. That makes sense. WHAT IS WRONG WITH NONO AND HIS ENTIRE GENERATION??! SERIOUSLY!!! IF THEY COME HERE WE’RE THE FIRST TARGETS!!!!”

“Breathe Tsuna.” Takeshi smiled more gently than normal. “If they come after us we’d have to do something anyway. As you said: ‘if they come here we’re the first targets.’”

“Baseball Idiot is right.” Hayato hunched his shoulders. “At least they warned us?”

“It’s not that we might have to fight child slavers who are after us, though that’s really bad.” Tsuna dropped the pictures and leaned back into his friends, who were warm and staring at him a little oddly and…no. Nope. No. Focus! “It’s the hostility directed at us like that’ll help. As if we wouldn’t defend ourselves because we’re technically civilians. Like we’re supposed to do what they say because they’re threatening us. That shit backfires. How did he direct a Mafia Famiglia that long without ever learning that?”

“Senility.” Hibari hn’d, “Old Carnivore doesn’t notice his teeth rotting out.”

“We need backup.” Tsuna hissed. “Someone who knows how the bullets work. Someone who’ll take our side of this.” He sighed. “I really don’t like asking him to do this.”

The rest stared as Tsuna pulled out his cell-phone. A strange type that even Reborn hadn’t been able to break into. “Hey, Ry? Can I talk to Mukuro? He’s going to want to hear this.” [Speech] (British) lvl 57

“I’ll connect you. He’s in Japan right now though,” Harry’s end sounded off some clicking noises. “Went to go pick up an apprentice. Sneaky little girl escaping an abusive situation. Like you before John and I infected you with our British Deadpan Technique.” There was some more clicking, “There you g…”

++++++++++++

*BRINGINGINGCLICK* “H’lo….Wait, slow down, try again………… WHO GOT A HOLD OF WHAT!? I’ll be right there.”

Mukuro glared at the burned out house, explosion marks with strange feathers at the edges, pressure circles that left no residue of what struck there, and paired off bloody scratch marks covered the walls. Ken was whimpering at the smells of the place. Chikusa kept checking his darts.

Nagi…no, Chrome, was missing. Their connection pointed north. Toward where Namimori and Tsuna-Boss was. With what Tsuna had told him…

These Vindice escapees were going to pay dearly for this.

++++++++++++

Rescuing Mochida from a homicidal clarinet player was not Tsuna’s idea of a good time. If he hadn’t been taken alongside Kusakabe Tsuna might have even put off the rescue until he was taking down the criminals as a whole. They’d gone for I-Pin first but she kicked one of their asses and they made off with Kusakabe when they saw Hibari coming.

Tsuna actually liked Hibari enough to do this anyway. Though not for the reasons anyone would assume. It didn’t hurt that Hibari was basically immune to the occasional accidental [Flirt], or maybe his reaction was just less awkward than the others. It was like ‘owning’ a cat.

Less obviously, when he and Hibari interacted it was always after pretty intense workouts so nobody could tell Tsuna was blushing. They just assumed the stutter, (Which he’d since worked through) was from fear. Tsuna blessed the game’s romance choices that made his irrational crushes so easy to hide.

And then cursed them because now the game was using them to have him willingly chasing murderous child slavers so heinous that the mafia didn’t want them to rescue a potential romance option’s sidekick/secretary.

All of these thoughts were contemplated silently as Tsuna leapt to the rooftops to catch Mukuro as Hibari pounded pavement below. “We’re following them to their hideout.” Tsuna hissed by way of introduction as Hibari was knocked away with a soundwave and the girl dropped Mochida. The game hadn’t sent up a flag so probably he wasn’t dead.

“Then hurry.” Mukuro growled. “They have a girl I was helping…”

“[Master] mentioned her.” Tsuna scanned the path the lethal-clarinet-girl was taking. “You have a bond?”

Mukuro nodded. “That clarinet girl is heading in the same direction. I’m an illusionist, how will you follow and hide? ... [Boss]?”

“You can call me Tsuna.” Tsuna tapped Mukuro’s other shoulder, making him jump. “I got it. I’ve also got back up on the way, Hayato is tracking me right now. Takeshi’s following him. Hayato’s sister Bianchi is following us more directly but staying out of sight.”

“That’s it?” Mukuro frowned. “I’ve got Ken and Chikusa trying to sniff them out but that’s still only seven people, mostly teenagers, against hardened criminals that even the bloody mafia wouldn’t touch.”

“Hibari will be back up in a second and that’s eight.” Tsuna paused for a particularly large gap between roofs. “But yeah, apparently I’m inheriting a mafia family and their loyalty test is to see if we survive child slavers. As if self-preservation equals meaningful loyalty. So we’ve got Reborn, The World’s Greatest Hitman in proximity but not ‘interfering.’ Gotta love the Ninth Vongola.”

“Amen.” Mukuro huffed. Then he tugged Tsuna’s sleeve. “There’s Ken and Chikusa. They see us, they’re going in the back. The rest?” Mukuro closed his eyes and breathed deep.

“There goes Clarinet Bitch.” Tsuna gaped. “Bianchi’s poisoned the clarinet and that took her out. Not in time though, there’s a wierdo with birds taking Kusakabe inside. He’s knocked out Bianchi. Now they’ve got her as well.”

“Chrome is inside. Top floor.” Mukuro’s eyes shot open. “She has a weapon now if she gets a shot. Oh, and your friends are attacking the front door. They’ve taken out a lot of possessed mooks already.”

“Hole in the roof. Kokuyo is old.” Tsuna dragged Mukuro over to look inside. “There’s Birds, and those twin lunatics.”

Mukuro slid invisibly down the wall behind the escapees and hostages. He patted Chrome on the head and in one smooth movement the two conjured vines to yank away the guns full of possession bullets. Tsuna sped to the side and flashed [Moe] the reacting criminals and the remaining hostages passed out from nosebleed instantly. Mukuro and Chrome stumbled, dropping the illusions and guns, nearly shooting themselves by accident.

“What was THAT?!” Mukuro hissed, blushing uncontrollably. Chrome flushed beet red as well and nodding behind him.

“[Moe] blast.” Tsuna sighed. “I’m better at aping Mist and Cloud flames than the others.” He stared at the blood on the ground from the criminal’s nosebleeds and felt dirty. He hoped they choked on it in Vendicare.

“Oh.” Mukuro stared for a really uncomfortably long time without blinking.

Chrome looked between them and shrugged before walking up to Tsuna. “Thank you for saving us.” She kissed him on the cheek. Suddenly it was Tsuna’s turn to blush. No excuses this time. That was cute. She was nice. He hoped she liked his friends. Speaking of which…

“We should probably deal with Lancia as well.” Tsuna blurted out. Then he smacked himself in the forehead. “And you’re welcome, I’d do it again any time.” Thank you Ranma for the forewarning about misunderstandings and how they happen.

The walk downstairs culminated with a disappointing (according to Hibari) fight against a possessed army. Mukuro had to snap each of the Mafioso out of it individually after Tsuna [Moe] bombed the place again. Leon the Chameleon exploded, gifting Tsuna with gloves that made him duck into his menu to cry. Both at how ridiculously overpowered they were and how late they were. Everyone seemed to be injured slightly but Tsuna and Mukuro.

They released the hostages once they’d woken and Tsuna managed to secure permission from the terrifying mafia police for Kusakabe to get in one parting, retaliatory kick to the ass for all of the criminals.

When they got everyone home to get patched up Tsuna fussed and denialed his way through wrapping everyone’s injuries with improbably clingy bandages to well-defined muscles he definitely wasn’t seeing or staring at. This was including Hibari’s abs as he wrapped the prefect’s broken ribs, (How and Why was he fighting like that?) Hayato’s thighs, (He’d seen Bianchi and fallen on glass) and Takeshi’s broken collarbone. (Very kissable…Bad Tsuna! Bad! Stop Staring!)

There were worse things out there than an army of people dedicated to your safety and pleasure, Tsuna acknowledged. His own willingness to set boundaries preventing quite a few.

He wasn’t about to invite any of them by specifically denying the possibility though. The universe was inventive enough about suffering to put its gamer protagonists through without hints.


	10. Chekov's Gun is Missing

### Drunk Bum

Tsuna never really appreciated Bianchi staying in town (If out of the house) until now.

There was a bum on the couch in nothing but a pair of boxers. There was a bum on the couch that Tsuna hadn’t invited for a [Charity] bonus. There was a bum on the couch that [Observe] said was Sawada Iemitsu: The Young Lion.

There was a bum of an absentee father on the couch that Lambo reported to Tsuna as having offered the children alcohol.

Sawada Fucking Iemitsu was on the couch, passed out in his boxers, and surrounded by beer bottles he’d offered to children under the age of ten.

Tsuna stared down blankly at the man he wanted dead more than anything in the world.

Then he turned right back around and dialed Bianchi to come move in and juggle all the alcohol bottles in the house.

On the way out he picked up all the kids and called the second person on his list, Kyouya. (“Hn, you can use my name. I will not be lesser than these idiots.”) He detailed the situation and Kyouya told him to bring the kids over.

“Uncle can sleep on the floor.” He finished. “Unwelcome anyway.”

“Thank you.” Tsuna smiled for the first time that day. Then he saw the events on the way to Kyouya’s house, “You may want to meet us on the way. A lunatic with a sword is chasing a ten-year-old. I don’t recognize either of them.”

*click* heralded the prefect heading their way. Tsuna hustled the kids into a side-alley to dodge the crazier-than-normal people.

Then he crossed the street away from them because the ten-year-old was definitely looking for something and chances were it was Tsuna.

“Good Sir!” the boy shouted. “Avail thyself. This scoundrel would seek Destruction!” Then he chucked a box at Tsuna.

Tsuna had a full second to decide that there was no way he was touching a box that came from a guy who talked like a fairy tale. Whether his genre was set or not, those flames were a little too magical to take chances. He didn’t move.

The box thudded to his feet. Tsuna very deliberately met eyes with the boy and the lunatic before taking exactly one step backwards.

The boy lunged but he’d clearly been chased for a while because all the swordsman had to do was reach out and trip him.

That didn’t save either of them from Hibari, who had followed a trail of destruction across the town to the peace-disturbers and was Not Happy with them.

Tsuna barely needed to guard the kids from a couple of wide shots. He even noticed the spiked-tonfa’s he’d given Kyouya for his birthday were functioning perfectly.

In the end the box was stuffed into sword-hand’s pocket as the two, bleeding, unconscious crazies were carted off to the hospital. The box held seven rainbow (barely) colored old decoder rings. The garbage kind from bad fairs.

Tsuna had a bad feeling about his father’s presence. He texted everyone that their ‘base of operations’ was going to be moved to Kyouya’s house.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Iemitsu hadn’t delivered the real rings.

Just an ultimatum about them.

He’d drunk enough to drown a fish in front of children then offered them some.

He’d used an allied boss as a delivery boy. (Dino was not appreciative.)

He’d taught the boy, Basil, to talk like an old-fashioned idiot because he thought it was funny.

And he wouldn’t stop calling Tsuna by demeaning names.

Granted that last wasn’t exactly on par with the others but really if he wanted Tsuna to be boss then maybe he shouldn’t be undermining Tsuna’s authority. Or perhaps that was the point. In any case Tsuna’s sperm-donor was drunk off his ass again, Reborn was distracted with the no-longer-hospitalized Sword-Hand… Sorry, Squalo, and everyone was met up at Yamamoto-San’s restaurant.

“So, Yeah.” Dino huffed. “That’s the long and the short of it. Basically you have to beat an assassination company’s best fighters or die trying. Or surrender and deal with mafioso constantly trying to kill you for existing with the bloodline.” He glared back out the door. “I know you don’t like me but at least you’re polite about it. Iemitsu just acts like everyone is his toy.”

“Great.” Tsuna sighed, then placed the box at the center of the table. “First on the agenda. If I wind up in charge of the Vongola then everyone working for the alliance will Regret that. Horribly. With capital letters. Including us. Ideas?”

“Curb-stomp the Varia but leave these rings with their people instead of taking theirs.” Takeshi said. “First problem being trying to curb-stomp the most dangerous people in the world. Second being that we may be forced to badly injure or kill them even if we can win and I’m pretty sure that the natural imminent revenge is not worth the street cred.”

“You’re out of your mind.” Hayato said. “I vote we win and rule the world through the Vongola so long as we’re talking pipe dreams. Same issues as Baseball-nut’s idea plus paperwork.”

Mukuro spoke up, “We don’t have enough people for a full guardian set.”

“Huh?” Dino’s head snapped up. “But Reborn’s job included getting you a full set of guardians?”

“Again with you and the thing about trusting people who set you up for danger and humiliation.” Tsuna said. “But you’re both right. It was a job of Reborn’s to get me a full set of guardians and so long as we define guardians as correctly-flamed people in proximity then he succeeded. If we’re actually talking about harmony bonds though? I have Mukuro, Takeshi, Hayato, and occasionally Kyouya-san. Mist, Rain, Storm, and Cloud. The part-time thing is apparently expected.”

“Who would be the proximal-not-really-guardians then?” Dino asked.

Hayato’s gaze shot back to the box on the table, “They wouldn’t. Not even in the mafia. I was right fucking there! The fricking gutter thieves and desperate loonies of the worst Famigliae wouldn’t do that!”

“Heh, What exactly are you thinking Dynamite-Sensei?” Takeshi giggled nervously. “Share with those of us with hope left? Um.”

“Yes Hayato-Kun,” Tsuna leaned back, “Share the names of those whom my most awful blood _father_ has decided are my Lightning and Sun”

Hayato slumped. “The older boxing lunatic from Nami-Middle as Sun.” He shrugged, “The less awful of the two choices. Susceptible to manipulation, but strong enough to dent walls with a casual flick of a hand. Biggest problem is that he’s like a charging bull, can’t be directed, and only occasionally can be pointed in useful directions. Like if Hibari had a full frontal lobotomy and got hooked on steroids. Sorry.”

Kyouya’s eyes narrowed, “Hn,” reserving judgement then? “Loud Animal, almost a Carnivore, not smart enough.” Or remembering Sasagawa-Sempai from school. That worked.

“The other?” Chrome white-knuckled the trident she hadn’t put down since Mukuro gave it to her.

“Lambo as the Lightning.” Hayato spat out. Then he leaned far back out of the blast range. Explosive words from an explosives expert. He knew the oncoming results.

Chaos. Disbelief. Tsuna waited to join in when they calmed down into a mutual agreement.

“ **NO.** ” Everyone finished together. Dino actually stood up and marched out, with his men, back toward the Sawadas’ house.

“We’ll finish this later.” Tsuna signaled that Reborn was listening in. They all got to work on dinner, tensely awaiting news.


	11. When The Coward Has A Kill List

### The Conversation

There was a tense stare-off as the sword-handed guy was given, healed and all, back to the Varia. Tsuna took one look at the crowd of (incredibly varied) assassins. Squalo and their boss/leader/guy with the feathers in his hair, were incredibly pretty. Tsuna shook his head slightly to clear it. Behind the Varia were a crowd of pink-cloaked oddities, apparently called the Cervello.

“This is So Stupid.” Mukuro muttered under his breath. The rest of Tsuna’s bonded looked like they were going to agree.

“Should just kill Idiot-mitsu and save us all the trouble.” Chrome projected to their group, causing some twitching as they fought not to laugh in front of the scary assassins. Reborn was only nominally on their side as a deterrent after all.

“Battles start in a week. Train well lovelies~” The weirdly camp-acting guy with green hair sang as they all walked away. Some of them carrying a fricking Throne their boss had been sat on. It was clearly supposed to be an intimidation tactic but whoever taught them intimidation clearly had no idea what they were doing.

Tsuna texted Harry and Teddy again. They’d been going back and forth looking for possibilities. Tsuna had enough allies, and protagonists all of them, each strong enough to destroy the Varia alone. He’d heard of the fates of those who didn’t play by the rules though. He didn’t know whether he could be funny enough to escape a fate worse than Ranma’s. Apparently the abusive bitch was starting to with the Game’s favor and Ranma was pretty desperate not to let that happen.

Training, whatever they decided to do with it, started today.

+++++++++++

They got to finish their conversation during a sleepover the ‘adults’ thought they were too tired from training to talk at. (Privacy courtesy of Tsuna boosting Mukuro and Chrome.)

“Lambo and Fuuta are Tsuna’s kids.” Mukuro reached out and pulled Chrome to him under the giant blanket Nana and Tsuna had knitted for their indoor ‘tent’. “We know you’d never let him get hurt. You’re like their mom, if less spoiling-them indulgent then Nana.” He directed at Tsuna.

“I don’t know what exactly to do with that descriptor.” Tsuna said faintly, fiddling with the border he had started learning on, still stitched incorrectly... “No one’s ever been quite that blunt about my behavior with small children.”

“Anyway, Lambo’s six. Strong or not.” Hayato came up again. “Nobody hires six-year-olds, not even the worst of scum. A guardian starting at that age would be worse than useless. I was still getting age-based rejections at thirteen!”

“Ha. We all agree that Lambo’s out even if forfeit is the only option to protect him.” Takeshi waved at everyone. “And I’ve spoken with Sasagawa-Sempai before. I can’t work with him for any length of time. I get being obsessed with your chosen sport but the ignoring people who tell him they don’t like the same thing is something that shouldn’t need to be ‘handled.’ I hate to ask but…does anyone know other people with either Sun or Lightning flames? Minimum? I mean if there’s a way to get us out of fighting the Mafia Assassins via substitution or anything else I’m all for that.”

“I’ve disappeared off of mafia radar before, courtesy of Tsuna and some of his pen-pals.” Mukuro interjected. “Faking our own deaths or kidnapping would give us freedom of a sort, and time. It’s also easier than gladiator fights against Assassin Wranglers.”

Hayato pointed out a flaw with that thinking, “Mukuro, One of those Assassins is the Mist Arcobaleno. They have a way to track people by sneezing. If we escaped we’re likely to get caught unless we can stymie that without Mist flames.”

“Well?” Takeshi placed a hand over Tsuna’s. “Do we have a way to do that?”

“Yeesss…” Tsuna hedged. “A couple of my pen-friends actually tested their hiding abilities against the Mist Arcobaleno. The sneezing trick didn’t work and it took them five years to find the first guy, the second still hasn’t gotten caught. It’s been seven years. I have friends who can help with the temp-guardians thing too. If we do the replacement thing though; [King] is about on level with Mukuro and almost everyone else is well able to beat an assassin counterpart. Except for [Master] who’s in the hospital for a dumb stunt and can’t do Cloud which…”

Tsuna eyed Hibari who glared, “Hn. Saw the herbivore robot. Easy.”

“Fine.” Tsuna sighed. “Their sword guy though… Takeshi can beat him but there will be injuries and possibly death.” He directed at all of them.

“Heh, and my Potential Temporary Replacement?” Takeshi asked. Eyes narrowed.

Tsuna sighed. “[Godling] could beat him in a sword battle if there was water around. He’s got school though and he’s being watched too closely to come over. He’s also just finished a summer that makes this look easy. Technically [King] can do Rain and Mist equally well but the Varia are bound to set up in a way that favors a swordsman. If they manage to ban illusions, and I wouldn’t be surprised. Limits like that he’d be screwed.”

“So our biggest risk is Takeshi?” Hayato asked. “If he’s fighting I should too. Reborn brought me in as Right Hand. I shouldn’t be standing back when a civilian is fighting. How exactly is this ‘[Godling]’ limited?”

“School. American School, where he’s constantly being watched and where he can’t afford to be kicked out. Also if he flies he’ll be shot down. He has to come by water. He can do that but there will be a lot of questions and he’s also got his own problems right now.” Tsuna listed. “I’d have to convince [Keeper] to help but they’re also going to be playing Lightning. If it comes to an all-out fight…that could be a problem.”

“So, do we run? Or do we replace everyone but Hibari in an effort to beat them in a way that also leaves them holding the bag?” Chrome asked quietly. They all looked to each other, then at Tsuna.

He sighed, “All in favor of…?”


	12. Catching Butterflies...

**A Week and Some**

When they got Percy it wasn’t a moment too soon. He almost suffered laser, or rather Goddess, guided amnesia.

“Half a year to recover from the major shit-show that was the battle for Olympus and BAM!” Everyone jumped as he slammed his hand on the table. “Kidnapped by a goddess to go on the run from gorgons.”

Sakura blinked, “I thought having to deal with Clow was a pain. At least I got a great card out of it!” Everyone awed over the adorable new Hug card. “She used to be Void. Alone like that and he just left her there!” Her disgust was shared by everyone in the circle.

Outside the circle Tsuna’s friends watched in shock and awe. Harry leaned on John as the latter finished bandaging his ankle. Teddy conjured more cookies.

Yugi finally walked in. “Alright everyone, no real names now that we’re here. Sound off for the new kids? I’m [King].”

Sakura raised a hand, “[Captor]” Then John, “[Guardian]” Percy, “[Godling]” Teddy, “[Keeper]” and Harry, “[Master], Tsuna is [Boss] but since we can’t let them connect us he’ll still be going by Tsuna.”

Everyone nodded as Tsuna’s friends entered the circle.

Tsuna knocked on the table for attention, “Alright, we have most of a plan. Now we just have to make it look good. What is the fight order?”

“Sun, Lightning, Storm, Rain, Mist, Cloud, Sky. Sky battles require a full set of guardians to go well though, and they always come last. If everyone else has been disappeared by then it can’t go off. First thing’s first; if there’s no rings, the battles may be put off indefinitely.” Harry said. “More importantly, I have someone who can store those rings.”

“Who?” Gokudera asked, drowning out everyone else’s muttering.

“The mafia knows him as Talbot. He’s the one who made them originally. More importantly, I know him as Nicholas Flamel. A very specific Nicholas Flamel who owes my family and more importantly me individually a lot of hefty favors. Most of those involve kept secrets. Hiding even the Vongola rings is easy for him. There’s a ton of knock-offs in his possession anyway.”

Tsuna nodded. “So we remove the rings from play first. If they insist on fighting anyway, can Sasagawa beat their Sun?”

“Unknown.” Takeshi shook his head. “He’s stubborn, and he puts out sun-flames like a power plant but they’re an assassination squad, they’re going to cheat, and he’s going to run right into it.”

“Hn,” Kyouya agreed, then scowled. “Fake Carnivores in my school.”

Teddy/[Keeper] giggled. “You can clean them out with the Disciplinary Committee later. Your best fighters are learning sniping from Collonello and Lal right now. Apparently you have them trained better than the entire CEDEF and the Mafia Land Guards together.”

Harry/[Master]’s head jerked up and he snapped his fingers, “[Captor], how bright can Light get? And how many shadows can you manage with Light and Dark together? And what about Sleep Card?”

Sakura grinned, so did Yugi. Tsuna giggled (He wasn’t ashamed) so hard he keeled over into Takeshi’s lap, kicking his legs up onto Hayato. Hibari shook his head and petted Tsuna’s from Takeshi’s other side.

“Smarten up little animal, it’s time to protect our territory.”

Negotiations helpfully distracted Tsuna from the meaning of that.

Tsuna’s friends went home before the specifics of how they’d be kidnapped were gone over so they’d be just as surprised as the Varia.

 

**19th of October**

The Cervello checked the rings and stepped back to start the match. The lights flared, highlighting Lussuria’s ‘Gotcha’ smile for a moment before blinding Sasagawa. Then the lights got even brighter. Lussuria’s smile fell away as he also had to cover his eyes despite the fact that the sunglasses should have protected him. It blinded everyone close by.

[Guardian]’s hand was steady. Dark Card on loan from [Captor] Letting him see.  Japanese buildings were almost as easy to roof-hop as London’s. He was a better shot than he needed to be. The dart struck Lussuria, [Guardian] lit a time-stop spell. In the five minutes it gave him between moments, he carefully extracted the needle, grabbed both half-rings and landed next to [Captor]. As time resumed he loaned a burst of energy to her. She cast sleep on both contestants and pulled back the Light Card. The rings fused together on the way out of the school and John walked through a prepared Gate to drop the Sun ring at Talbot’s.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Everyone Freaked Out. The lights were brighter than they should have been, both contestants were unconscious and both half-rings were missing.

The Cervello epically failed to calm everyone down. Questions came from every corner.

“Tsuna-fishie aren’t you going to do anything? Your Sun is down!” Iemitsu panicked.

Tsuna rolled his eyes. “None of my anything signed up for this shit-show. Besides, he’s still breathing, which is more than I expected with him going into a gladiatorial fight with a hit-man. I’d be more upset if I was actually friends with him I suppose.”

“He not actually your Sun Trash?” The groups excessively pretty leader asked.

“The words, ‘no’ and ‘stop’ are not in his vocabulary. He’s impossible to deal with.” Tsuna confirmed. “And that’s just when you’re acquaintances with the loud idiot.”

“Ahem,” The Cervello interrupted. “Lightning battles tomorrow. We’ll have to see when the Suns wake up if a make-up match can be done, as it is, tie.”

“VOI! What the hell?” the sword-handed-crazy shook his head.

**20th of October**

Lambo-san was in paradise. A nice teal-haired lady had come by and traded him a Whole Bag of grape candy for that ugly old ring. Tsuna-Nii had told him that the ring was a bad thing anyway, even if the Bovino Boss thought it was some kind of great honor or whatever. The old guy had said that about killing Reborn also. All it got poor Lambo-san was stabbed a whole lot.

Tsuna-Nii giggled and said that it was fine that Lambo-san had traded something of Lambo-san’s away, just that he shouldn’t trade things that belong to other people. Apparently Tsuna-Nii knew the Teal-haired lady. Going with strangers was supposed to be bad, even or especially if they offer candy, but if Tsuna-Nii said she was OK then Lambo-san would happily go with the Teal-haired lady. She’d already given him candy anyway! She even got ahold of his old bazooka! She said she’d help him learn to deal with emotions without it too!

While they were walking away they saw those meanies that were tormenting Tsuna-Nii earlier rigging the Middle-School clock tower with lightning rods being watched by the Mean-Shouty one with the stupid umbrella things. Kyouya-Carnivore would not like that. Lambo-San pointed it out to Teal-haired lady and she agreed. She knocked them out and hung them by their ankles from the clock tower. She stole all their weapons too and showed Lambo-San how to make things Hard To Lift.

It was FUN!

Now she was showing Lambo-san around her and her god-father’s house. It was in London. Lambo-San…was...too…tired…to……ask………how………….?

++

Teddy/[Keeper] smiled as the little kid snuggled into their old bed. Tsuna sent a message explaining things to Lambo and now Teddy could have fun with the little guy. They’d had so much fun experimenting with Lightning Flames already.

Teddy fused the lightning half-rings and stuck a hand through a portal to drop the Lightning Ring into Talbot’s hand. Making the old guy jump was fun!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tsuna had a screaming match with his father about handing responsibility like that to small children and how he’d have forfeited rather than let Lambo fight now WHERE IS HE?

The Varia were more concerned (and amused) by Levi-A-Than’s predicament. And the pissed off army of prefects working for the Cloud that had downed Squalo. Turned out the Cloud’s territory was the town, and it centered on the school.

Tsuna’s easy(ish) talking him down impressed everyone. The Cervello sweated as they agreed that Everything would be returned to Exactly the way it was or suffer the wrath of a Cloud who scared the Varia.

Tsuna’s return to chewing out his father even earned him some respect from Xanxus. Though that may have had something to do with the profanity and word-choice, “MY KID, THE KID I WAS RAISING, IS MISSING AND ALL YOU CAN FUCKING TALK ABOUT IS ANCIENT FUCKING TACKY JEWLERY! THERE IS A TREE SOMEWHERE WORKING VERY HARD TO PRODUCE THE OXYGEN YOU ARE FUCKING WASTING AND YOU NEED TO GO FIND IT AND FUCKING APOLOGIZE!”

++

 _“How much would you pay to make the rest disappear Mist Arcobaleno?”_ A figure offered to Mammon. “ _I might as well make you a deal while I’m collecting the runaway brats…”_

++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Both it is.  
> For reference, and there was another bit where they introduce themselves, like at the first chapter.  
> Storm is Sakura Kimimoto: Card [Captor] Sakura  
> Sky is Tsunayoshi Sawada: Vongola [Boss]  
> Sun is John Watson: [Guardian] of London  
> Lightning is Teddy Lupin: [Keeper] of the Dark Heart  
> Rain is Percy Jackson: [Godling], Halfblood  
> Mist is Yugi Muuto: [King] of Shadow Games  
> Cloud is Harry Potter: [Master] of Death


	13. ...Is Harder Than It Looks

### 21 October

Hayato carefully deflected the knife-guiding string from his shoulder to a pillar near where he stood. If he had the opportunity to fight at all he would need to be winning. He concentrated on the information his fellow Storm had passed on: Don’t let him bleed, he goes crazy when he bleeds, concussive force only.

The wind changed. Hayato tried to figure out what was different. He dodged a couple knives and tossed three explosives before it became clear. The wind wasn’t blowing from the fans. He jumped back away from another knife and threw a smoke bomb.

The smoky wind briefly formed the shape of another person, only visible from his position before spreading out and nearly lighting up a path for him to sneak behind Belphegor. He came up behind the other boy, ready to strike, his hand right over a knockout point on Belphegor’s neck…

His hand landed on Prince-the-Ripper’s shoulder, knocking him out in the same moment as both ring-chains jerked backwards. Belphegor’s snapped. Hayato’s dragged him with it. They blacked out.

Hayato woke to Tsuna’s friends discussing the next ‘kidnapping’ as Lambo turned on the TV to let Hayato see how it all went down

++

The smoke cleared, Belphegor was unconscious on the ground, Hayato and the rings were missing.

Xanxus and Tsuna both threw nearly identical snit-fits. Sasagawa and Lussuria were still unconscious, as was Levi. Bel adding to the tally of useless guardians.

“Call it a tie, I don’t care, but figure out what’s going on!” Tsuna roared at the Cervello. Xanxus nodded behind him.

“It looked like your victory though…” the pink person tried weakly as Tsuna cut them off.

“Talking to the shits I don’t give. They can have the fucking rings I want my people back.”

“I’d like mine awake again if we’re giving fucking orders here Trash.” Xanxus growled.

++

_“Last Freeby Viper Mammon…Why not stop wasting manpower and money on these battles.”_

 

++

22 October

[Godling] finished his conversation with the Cervello’s shark. Teleporting it back to the sea would be easy. Less easy would be going unseen in the water. Thankfully John had loaned him an invisibility charm.

Watching Squalo train while it was raining had done wonderful things for his own skill and passing those on to Takeshi was just as fun. Takeshi was holding his own with the Sword Emperor after only a couple week’s training. [Godling] was so proud.

He signaled the boy from the water. Takeshi’s last form surprised Squalo and toppled them both into the water. The ‘beast’ was released and Percy burst a pouch of stored blood into the water. Then he grabbed the rings and Takeshi’s wrist and they both held on to the shark as Percy teleported them all to the Pacific.

They released the shark and waited, dry as Percy’s power could make them, for Teddy to pick them up.

++

“The children won’t be harmed?”

_“You care?”_

“My Boss will. Also the Vindice”

_“Unharmed then.”_

++

“What the hell Shit-Shark?”

“There was someone in the water, not just a ‘great beast.’”

“You were never fucking knocked out. How did they get the fucking ring?”

“The tip into the water broke both chains. I dodged the rocks. Chain should have sunk or caught, didn’t. Weird current took the ring right to them. Kid was out and limp, hit his head on the rocks on the way down.”

“The Fuck is going on?”

“Dunno but I don’t like it.”

++

“You said unharmed.”

_“Blood pack, not actually the kid’s blood. You’ll find at least three different types from different hospitals. I know what I’m doing.”_

“What about the rings then?”

_“Xanxus is adopted. They won’t work for him. I’m making sure they at least won’t kill you all when he tries. You’ll get them back after the battles.”_

“Not paying you until the rings are back.”

_“That’s fine.”_

++

23 October

Mammon stared at the shaking girl with a trident. They mocked the girl first, needing a weapon? Have some damn pride in being a Mist! She was good though, Mammon didn’t know what the trident was even for, she didn’t use it. Now when was their investment going to pay off? They weren’t allowed to kill the girl. (Damn the Ninth and their boss’ promise)

The pressure of their flames found something under the stadium. It clicked. Loudly. Everything stopped. Then it all went black, white, black, and back to normal. Mammon’s flames flared against nothing. The girl was gone. As was the one of the boys who’d been standing behind Tsunayoshi and ALL THE REST OF THE RINGS!!

That weirdo better come through…

++

24 October

The battles were postponed. The Mosca broke down and the boy’s Cloud was getting antsy about the truly Shocking amount of damage to his precious town and school. Most of Xanxus’ Guardians were unconscious, (And why still?) and the boy, Tsunayoshi’s Guardians were missing. So were all of the rings for that matter. Not even Mammon caught that one.

Not that Tsuna missing guardians was a hindrance to anything but the battles. His Cloud alone had beaten half of the Cervello into subservience and fixing the school. He also managed to land a couple hits on Mammon, Squalo, and Xanxus. He hadn’t managed to hit Iemitsu yet but everyone knew it was only a matter of time.

A time like now in fact. Iemitsu, the complete idiot, had brought his pickaxe down on a recently-fixed wall in a temper tantrum about the delayed battles and not getting to "spend Quality time with my precious Tsuna-Fishie!!”

Xanxus had cackled out loud at Tsuna’s reaction. He’d promptly reached out to his father…and tripped him. He’d also gotten away with Iemitsu’s pickaxe when he whispered something into the ‘man’s’ ear. Now the idiot was either chasing his son’s Cloud (or being chased) around the school, screaming things about protecting his precious Tsuna-Fishie’s ‘chastity.’

Tsuna just reached out and tripped him again before proceeding to ‘accidentally’ block all of Iemitsu’s escape attempts and shots at his Cloud in such a way as to remain untouched himself but let the Hibari kid leave deep bruises all over the CEDEF head.

Everyone would have been rolling on the ground laughing if there weren’t so many missing people. Mammon didn’t waste time though. They filmed the whole thing.

Everyone would want to buy a copy of that.


	14. Take An Arrow In The Knee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MOOD WHIPLASH INCOMING!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited after posting of: Roses

### 25 October

It should have been the Sky battle. Everything was tied up. But with most of the guardians involved unconscious or missing the usual Scramble was basically useless. The kid only had his Cloud (Strong as he was) left. Xanxus only had Mammon and Squalo. And the kid didn’t even want the position.

So they just wound up talking. Waiting for something to happen. For someone’s Guardians to reappear,

“Any clues?” Xanxus was being oddly considerate. Tsuna very carefully did not fixate on his hair.

“Nothing yet. Whoever it was took both my Mists but left Hibari. Understandable I suppose, hard enough to contain him when he wants to be somewhere. Mukuro isn’t one to sit and wait for rescue though. Not sure how they’re holding him.” Tsuna carefully stated. “Any of yours awake yet?”

“Squalo’s fine, Mammon’s grumpy.” Xanxus shrugged. “Nothing yet from the rest. Nono’s in the hospital unconscious as well.”

“Should I be saying I’m sorry or good riddance?” Tsuna replied bitterly.

“Don’t be sorry Trash. Not your fault.” Xanxus gave him a look. “No love for the old man from your corner?”

“Showed up once when I was five. He was wearing the tackiest Hawaiian shirt. And when he caught me using flames to avoid dying when I fell out of a tree he tried to seal them.”

“Tried?” Xanxus was looking more than a bit green. “To Seal you?”

“Everything went cold and dark for like a week.” Tsuna confirmed. “Then I got almost murdered by a bully and it went away.” Which was a funny way of explaining mana-farmers but it wasn’t like he could actually recount the whole thing. “It would come back in pieces, fits, and starts the whole rest of the year. Cold moments when nothing made sense. Then I accidentally shot a sniper out of a tree and the shock killed the rest.”

“How do you accidentally shoot a sniper out of a tree?” Xanxus had gone from sick-looking to morbidly curious smirking.

“By playing with dad’s gun and when it goes off wondering why the echo sounded different.” Tsuna smiled wryly. “Walk halfway down the block in the direction your window points and find a sniper who was such a dumbass he picked a cherry tree as a nest and fell just wrong enough to kill himself and his spotter when the branch he was standing on got shot out.”

“Tsuna-Fishie you shouldn’t be hanging around with such awful people~” Iemitsu came around the corner to scold.

“Here we go again…” Tsuna rolled his eyes. Then shouted back, “Still don’t want to be a mafia boss, still not listening to the source of my abandonment issues, still not taking orders period.” He got ready to trip the bastard again. Then took it back. He was alone here. Hibari was at the school scaring the Cervello. If his father tried something…

“You can borrow Dino’s guardians for this. I’m going to make you into a great mafia boss don’t worry.” Reborn repeated, as if Tsuna had ever bothered to listen to that. But he was alone and Reborn could undermine him like nothing else and nobody went against the world’s greatest.

“Don’t be afraid of a little manly responsibility Tsuna-Fishie! A man has to be Strong!” Iemitsu continued to miss both Tsuna’s words and the entire point. Xanxus and he were on the same side but would the Varia boss act like it?

Xanxus pulled out an XX Gun. “Either you both can take a step back now…” Mammon got between their boss and Reborn. How nice of them. Tsuna still wanted an out though…

“You can do it Tsuna-Fishie! Just get rid of these monsters…” Iemitsu hefted his pickaxe.

Xanxus shot once, a warning. 50 damage under observe. Tsuna had 100 HP… Stick to the plan. A glint showed [Guardian]’s reflection in a window. Signal given, he’d seen the gun’s power too.

“I don’t want to…”

“You Will Be A Mafia Boss. I don’t fail.” Reborn pulled Leon and loaded what was clearly a dying will bullet.

“NO!” Tsuna grabbed Xanxus’ gun, turned it, and shot himself in the chest. He felt the knockout drug that helped Gamers fake their deaths hit him from behind. One of John’s needles…

Please let Iemitsu be stupid enough…

Please let them believe it…

++

Everyone stared in shock. Tsuna was missing a lung, his heart, and the entire left of his ribcage. There was charred flesh and blood everywhere.  Xanxus couldn’t even take credit for the kill. The gun had been visibly removed from his hand before Tsuna had shot himself.

Iemitsu and Reborn helped rush him to the hospital. Nana met them there once Reborn called her. It was abo **ut** Tsu **n** a w **h** y w ** _a_** s R ** _eb_** _or_ n **cal _li_** _n_ g i **f** I **e _m_** _its_ u w ** _as_** _ri **g**_ **h** t t **h _er_** _e_ Tsuna **_w_** _a **s h**_ **is _s_ o**n…

At the hospital, a Nurse with teal hair asked why they’d even brought the boy in to Emergency since he’d been killed in the moment he was shot. A blonde Doctor, visiting, said they’d cleaned the boy up for viewing.

Iemitsu and Reborn stared in shock. Nana wept openly. They stayed for the funeral. It was the longest Iemitsu had been in Namimori since he was dating Nana.

The Varia Captains woke, Xanxus explained what happened. Then Mammon explained what happened. Then Mammon and Xanxus received photos from the number Mammon had received from the mystery dealer.

The Vongola rings, in the Varia safe. All of the ‘kidnapped’ kids around, plus Tsuna and Hibari, waving, holding up an Italian Newspaper dated the 25th of October.

They returned to Italy. The rings had a note with them: Don’t Choke on Your Aspirations. And a family tree including the whole of the alliance and who was related to Vongola in such a way as to allow inheritance.

Mammon forwarded the money they’d agreed to.

++

Tsuna kissed Kyouya first.

With the mafia story over, he finally felt comfortable explaining his feelings to his guardians out loud. He went back over all of the moments they thought he’d missed. All the flirting they’d thought he hadn’t noticed. The casual touches that weren’t actually casual at all. He kissed all the rest of them laughing after he finished. He could be with them freely now.

They all returned to live in Hibari’s house for a while once Iemitsu had abandoned Nana again. Once again not even leaving people to protect her. She was brought in on the secret then. The divorce papers she used his seal to finalize. She moved to Tokyo and started a new life.

Kyouya was magnanimous enough after Tsuna kissed him to let them all stay in his house for a year. He even let Tsuna dye his hair black for school. They didn’t want the mafia back after all. It lasted for a while before they graduated middle school and discovered early-acceptance foreign colleges. Their final pick was in America and it had everything they needed or wanted. It was nice, even when Tsuna had to dip into Gamer funds to afford their own place.

And so, everyone went on with their lives.

For a While.

**Author's Note:**

> John Watson and a lot of the spells here are using inspiration from: http://archiveofourown.org/works/889702/chapters/1716008
> 
> Not enough for an inspired-by but enough to mention.


End file.
